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What to Call a Dick According to the Situation

In a laminated poster in your doctor’s office they call it penis but to your three year old niece, it’s a willy. Call it a penis in front of your niece or a willy during your colonoscopy and you’ll be digging your own grave whilst trying to explain your not-so-clever choice of language to a qualified professional who did not just spend 10 years in university to hear you refer to the male genitalia as a willy.

If that didn’t give you shivers, picture this:

You and your lady, a candle lit room and roses scattered across your silk bedsheets. You start to kiss her collarbone, her chest… it’s all really hot (but lets keep it short, this is not an erotic novel)… Then she begs you to dirty talk.

“I want to stick my big dirty sausage inside you”

Excuse me, what? Don’t think you’d be getting far with that one.

Lets talk about word choice, or to be more exact, the many different ways we can call and talk about penis. Using metaphors or euphemisms to describe dicks is old news; Shakespeare called it a “tail”, someone described it as “the best leg of three” in 1890 and the “gentleman usher” in 1719.

Nowadays our repertoire leaves less to the imagination, with words such as ‘cock’, ‘boner’ or ‘man meat’ being some of the most popularly used. Back in the day, people seemed to be more creative (or should I say impressively disturbed). ‘Egg white cannon’ or ‘yogurt spitting sausage’ are some of my personal favourites, but in all honesty, “I want to stick my big yogurt spitting sausage inside you” doesn’t exactly sound too good either.

So how on earth should you dirty talk to your lady then?

There are many ways one can say dick without actually saying it. Ever heard of the word phallus? Wikipedia describes it as:

“an object that resembles a penis, or a mimetic image of an erect penis.”

Emphasis on the word ‘erect’ here, as I can’t think of literally anything that looks like a deflated willy. So, in case that wikipedia definition didn’t satisfy you, think of a phallus as an aubergine emoji!

You know its a penis. I know its a penis. Your grandma knows its a penis buuuuuut… its also an aubergine.

Phallic imagery has been around for ages, in fact you’ve probably come across it many times yourself. Remember being a kid and walking past some random thing and thinking, wow that looks exactly like a dick?

Phallus right there.

Its present in art too, the kind that hangs on the walls of some overpriced European museum. Or in architecture; Phallic architecture has it’s own wikipedia page, so it clearly must be a thing. Right?

Enough distractions; back to the matter of urgency. The truth is, you are welcome to call your genitalia as you wish. There are some situations where certain wording is more appropriate, but at the end of the day whatever you call your dick is a personal choice.

On a side note, if all this penis chat has made you anxious for some dick, why not check out kinky Mr. Winky and practice calling it whatever you like.